TAKE A LOOK AROUND

Sitting in the sala looking across the room, the piano remains untouched and unmoved. Then as I take a step to have a closer look, I see dust covering its body and the strings are all rusty and old… Just like myself, as years pass I grew older and older each day but some things change. I used to be a sentimental person when I was still playing that thing, I used to be a girl who’s desperate to die coz I thought dying was the only solution to all my problems. I thought I was born in this world accidentally and my existence was just a mistake but as I stopped playing that instrument it was like the beginning of a new me. The me who’s trying to be a person who can move on and live a life with happiness despite of all the unfortunate events that’s happening in my life. Until now even when sometimes I felt like I’m carrying the world in my shoulders I still try to look at the bright side of life even at times where I am telling myself already that I wanna die or vanish like a mist in the wind.. I just let out the words that I want to say to make me feel better or sometimes scream in a place where there are no people around to let out what’s weighing my heart down. Then after that I stop, take a look around, pause and think…

I’m not the unluckiest person in the world, although sometimes I do feel that way, still I’m so blessed. What makes me think I’m so blessed? I take a look around and I see people who are more unfortunate than me.

I see beggars begging for money or this special children who are deprive by a normal body the moment they were born and even just by listening to the radio like DXDZ whatever, you can hear this people begging for help because of their health problems…

and then I’ll begin thinking that even when I’m suffering I’m still blessed coz God hasn’t deprived me of everything yet, I can still eat whenever I want to, take a bath and walk with my two feet.

And the pain that he has given me is just for me to see the people around me who are more in need than me. Maybe someday if I’ll be given a chance to be more blessed, those blessings will be shared to those people.

I FELT SAFE NOW

I asked you to let go coz i want to understand people whom i cant understand. But when you let go, grievance is what i suffered. I became weak and vulnerable to things that i shouldnt have done. Things are starting to get confusing and the feeling of emptiness came rushing through my veins… You have left me… that is what i felt. Then i want to fill my emptiness with things that i thought could fill it… but still its not enough… I became irrational, impulsive and indecisive with my actions and to what i really want to do with my life… So many wrong things ive done that i considered a mistake but still keeps on committing them coz sometimes wrong things feels right eventhough it doesnt fill and ease the emptiness completely. Until finally you gave me this last blow in my life, an explosion caused by my wrong actions, where i felt devastated and fallen so flat on the ground. I lost my self-esteem, confidence and all that could make me feel worthy of an existence in this world. I felt so small and every dawn and night is like a torture to me, a nightmare that cannot be vanquish. Even in my waking hours i felt like being stab by a hundred knives that cant kill but stings in your flesh, heart and mind. It hurts, the pain is so tremendous that i dont know what to do anymore to make it go away… Then i think of you and beg you for help and forgiveness about the things that i have done. I need you back, i need you back inside my heart to fill the emptiness that cant be filled and in doing this i know i have to ask for full forgiveness from you and to some people that i know ive caused pain, coz i know in doing this that emptiness will be filled by you. I asked you to let go and you did let go, i asked you to comeback but it was not that easy for you to comeback. I have to do things to attain you back and now that your back in my heart, i wont ask you to leave again like i did before. I understand now what others are passing and it felt good to understand them without even asking them why are they doing this and that… After everything that happened, theres no mistake after all, just answers to the questions that i was asking. Thank You Lord for Everything… Your still my God, Lord and Savior… I Felt Safe Now that i have YOU …

WHAT I FEEL

Here i am blogging again about my feelings just like what i used to do in my old account, i cant help it, especially when i listen to this alternative songs from the 1990s. It brings me back to this melancholic feeling that i used to feel, i want to cry for something i cant explain, coz the music brings me pain and sadness. Oh me, i dont wanna cry, i dont wanna feel this way again but something inside me tells me not to stop and just let my mind and heart reminisce the past events where i laugh and cry with this people whom i considered "Gods gift to me". I miss my friends, my high school friends who stayed with me through thick and thin. I miss the things that we used to do and the feeling that they make me feel whenever im with them. They were always there to make me happy and make me laugh about nonsense things that they do and say. There’s just something about them that makes me feel and say "Im so lucky to have them in my life coz not everyday ill find people like them"… Its been quite awhile now since i haven’t seen them, unlike before that i always find time to see them not more than 2 months. But things are different now, im not growing young and even my perceptions in life are changing too, so many things just happened lately that made me come up to this priorities that im trying to live right now. If before, i was always weak and needed all your presence to give me confidence, strength, hope and perseverance to keep up with my used to be messed-up life, right now im trying not to be so dependent on all of you in gaining strength to keep-up whenever im having emotional problems… ill break down if i have to in a place where im alone and let out all the pain then carry on again with my life without letting my unwanted emotions rule over me so i wont messed-up again. I need to learn to deal with things alone now so that when the time comes that youll be leaving me, it wouldnt be that hard for me. Most of our batch and the people that i knew have gone abroad now and i know sooner or later youll be doing the same thing coz Things are changing now, soon youll be working in places far from Davao or marry and live somewhere. But eventhough things are changing, i still know in my heart that even if time and place will separate us for a long period of time and well be having new friends and mingle with different people, the moment well see each other again after 48 years, it would still feel the same, the friendship would still be there coz i know what i found in you is true friendship that not everyday ill always find in other people. I will always treasure the moments that weve shared and the friendship that you all shared with me especially for making me feel that its not about the place or the amount of money you have that makes a person happy but its about the people whom your with or share it with that makes it worth living for. Thank You…

In your arms…. Slumbered the night away... How far will you Write???

Lying in your arms, feeling you here with me doesn't really felt like you existed beside me.. it doesn't feel wrong and at the same time it doesn't feel right.. don't really know what I should feel, but one thing is certain, what I feel is gone now.. that excitement knowing ill see you and be with you is gone.. don't know if you feel the same, but there's no real thing to this.. guess love don't grew for me whenever this thing happens.. I'll leave.. just like what I used to do whenever this happens.. leave like nothing happened.. No goodbyes and No hellos… after this just leaving without saying anything.. there's nothing wrong with you.. this is just me always leaving just like the me before, the me that No one can own because I don't hold on.. I don't hold on to that.. that doesn't make me hold on…

I'm with you.. I chose that time to be with you but still I felt disappointed, it's like something is missing, but I do like you.. it's just that I'm not really sure with what I want.. or maybe I'm just looking for someone who will say NO.. guess I'm just not like the usual girls who holds on to things like this.. say NO to me but still make me feel you CARE then my feelings will grow for you.. but make me feel you want me like that then it will die and fade away..

..LOVE.. what is LOVE??.. it's so easy to spend time with anyone then they'll think your inlove with them.. but LOVE.. LOVE doesn't grew that easily in my heart, but that doesn't mean I have a heart of stone, it's just that in my mind.. Things like that will not make me love you because it makes me go away or eventually fades my feelings away if I'm already into you.. I like you and I like thinking that you like me too, but there's No LOVE to that..  It's just "Like".. and it just felt like everything is easy.. so fast.. and Love doesn't sprung in my heart that fast…

If it's like this.. I don't want it..

Both in slumber yet together are thoughts are far away from each other.. LOVE.. It doesn't grew like this.. It wont.. If it will?? I can't call it LOVE, neither do you if LOVE is special for You.. LOVE is not that easy to accomplish, not from me and also for you if you want me to love You..  Lets start from the beginning, the beginning where it's not yet stained by this.. I don't want it to sprung from stuff like this..

.…Relationships… there will be None if it's just because of this.. I don't want it.. Nothing happened.. From a deep slumber we were awaken to reality that the night is over and everything is over, just like the light uncovers the dark that surrounds at night… No Expectations.. No Worries.. Were not like that.. Nothing happened…

Let LOVE sprung first before that, then that will feel special like a Dream made real that lasts for more than a day or even a year..

Sharing Something about what I've Observed...The Negative Effects of seeking LOVELIFE

Back then when i was 14 years old i used to have a friend who lives in the belief that real happiness could only be found if you fell inlove, get married and have children..

On that age she also lost her innocence due to seeking lovelife in order to feel the kind of happiness describe in love songs..the guy wasn't serious with her coz his not even her lover and she was just caught up by the guys lie that made her felt he could be the one..after that, she became desperate to find a lover who could accept her despite losing her innocence and when she turned 15 she met someone years older than her whom she met through Texting. She fell inlove and run away with the guy at the age of 16 years old because her parents were opposed to the way she takes her lovelife too seriously..

and at the age of 17 she came home along with the guy, and after several weeks she got pregnant. Her parents supported them financially and everything they needed coz they couldnt support themselves alone..when she turned 20, the guy decided to work in a cruise ship but he has to undergo a training first before he could board that ship and ofcourse you need to pay the training fees first before you can join that training and the one who paid for his training fees is HER family along with those other expenses needed for him to fully board that ship.

When his guy finally boarded the ship, she discovered that her father was having an affair with another woman and she was like criticizing her mom because she thinks her father wont have an affair with another woman if her mother didnt lack any attention to her father like the way she is with her guy because shes a daddy's girl and she takes very good care of her guy..then after one year, she discoverd that her guy was having an affair in that ship and the guy didn't deny that to her. Her guy asked for forgiveness and 2nd chance but she refuse to give it to him coz she cant take the thought that he cheated after everything she sacrifice for him...

After that she became desperate again, hoping that shell meet someone who could love and accept her along with her child, someone who will never cheat like her ex...in seeking that guy, she met a fool who used her and she end up more desperate in finding true love..until she found someone who made her feel accepted and loved again..and again her parents were against it coz the guy has two children, no job and just been annulled from marriage..and again she cared so much for that guy and rebel to her parents coz she fell inlove with a new guy who made her feel accepted again..

it was like shes just repeating the past and the only difference is the present guy has two children while the past was purely single...after several months she got pregnant with the new guy and so again her parents supported them and this time her parents built them a house to live coz they automatically have 3 children plus the upcoming baby thats inside her womb so all in all they have 4 children including her son..

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If having Lovelife means feeling Real happiness then why is it that when you raise questions such as this questions below, you will find doubts in their answers.. ..

When i ask most women who got married or presently living-in with someone this questions....

1. Are you really happy?? some will reply....."Yes"

but then when you add another question such as..

2. If ever your child will grow up and fell inlove at the same age you did and want to do the same thing you did coz your child finds happiness from that person, will you be happy for your child?? coz your child found the same happiness you did?!..

then mostly you will hear them saying... "No!, i dont want my child to get married and have kids at a young age, i want them to finish their studies first"...

...If you hear them answer this, then that means they are not really that happy because a mother will always want whats best for her child and the word "happiness" is what most mothers longed for their child to feel,.. that oftentimes results to lack of understanding over their childrens emotions and ends up yelling and making situations worst because they tend to forget the reasons and feelings they felt before that trigger them to act in an irrational way...coz most of the time its hard for parents to have a heart to heart talk where they will admit to their children the mistakes they did in the past because usually less educated parents and had limited exposure to society because they got married at an early age often results to lacking the ability to explain in a calm manner the negative effects of irrational decisions. They dont wanna site their mistakes as an example to help explain to their children the reasons why getting married at an early age is wrong for them...because they refuse to accept the fact that what they did before was a mistake because they have this kind of belief that they are parents and parents are always right and if the child ask questions why they acted like this or that? and include their opinion about it, they will think of it as having no respect coz the child cross the line by questioning them, coz they are parents and if theyll say this or that, that should not be questioned because its expected to be followed by their children coz they said so...and when that happens, the child becomes confuse why its not good for her or him,why is it considered bad..

and so, the child becomes more and more detach to her parents, thinking they will never understand her/him.........when things could be better understood if both would be willing to listen to each others explanations and reasons along with siting examples to be better understood.

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And also Some Women answer the question... 1. Are you really Happy??...by saying..

"My husband accepted my past and his a good man"....but the question being ask is

""Are you really Happy?""

which is answerable by "Yes" or "No"....if the answer is uncertain coz it wasn't answered confidently by "Yes", the woman is not really Happy, she just wanted to find someone who could accept her thinking that that acceptance from a guy could really make her happy..

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the thing ive observe about desperate women who keeps on thinking that lovelife is the only source of real happiness oftentimes results to more misery instead of more happiness...its hard for them to foresee those possible additional problems they can get by acting impulsively base on their emotions alone coz their emotions keeps telling them "I need lovelife" or "Lovelife is the way to real happiness"..and by thinking this way it will only make it harder for them to feel the word happiness without Lovelife because its Psychological, the more you'll tell yourself you cant be happy without it, the more you really wont see other ways of feeling the word happiness without it..and you'll end up having relationships where you'll look like your already begging someone to love you coz it becomes hard for you to see if the guy is taking you seriously or not eventhough the answer is already obvious infront of your face..and oftentimes desperate women realize this when too much damage on their part has already taken place, like being pregnant at a young age without a father, then after that, they will repeat it again irrationally..

and when this women ask for your opinion and you give advices to them and tells them the possible negative outcome and how much damage it will do to them, and those people nearest to them such as their parents or family, they will listen but wont absorb it....

and the words thats more easier to process in their state of mind is just this line

......"do everything you feel like doing if you think doing that could make you happy coz if it wont,then in the end when you get too much exhausted from chasing someone, you'll stop on your own even without anyone telling you to stop".........

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desperate women forgets to ask themselves.. "if having lovelife means real happiness, then why does tears keep falling on and off their eyes?"...

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if you want real happiness then you should start by getting to know yourself first, what you want and why you want it?...

start by asking questions to yourself...

1. What do you really want?? and

2. Why do you want it so much??..

3. What are your reasons?? and

4. How did you come up with those reasons??..

5. Where did you base those reasons??

6. Are you that certain its accurate??..

7. If you are, then again, why??.............................................................................

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keep throwing questions to yourself eventhough some of the questions are questions you've already ask before and try finding its answers from yourself too..using your own perceptions and using reverse psychology on yourself until you'll realize where you went wrong, what triggers you to commit those actions and what did you learn after realizing your mistake...

.When you ask questions to yourself and you seek for answers inside you, always remember not to put all the blame on another person because the more you blame other people the more it will be hard for you to exercise "Acceptance and humbleness" because through that you will learn to see the good outcome out of those bad circumstances you've manage to surpass....

because oftentimes vagueness becomes clearer to see when you start raising questions to yourself instead of asking advice from other people..learn to find answers within yourself by reflecting about the matter that triggers your emotions to feel unstable...then eventually you will become emotionally independent..

and slowly you will find yourself finding happiness in simple things even without lovelife...

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Learn to accept yourself first before wanting others to accept you, so that feeling the word Happiness will be more easier to acquire on your own...

Because when your emotionally happy on your own, it is easier to make another person happy just by being with you..

Loving Jang Geun Suk

Has anyone heard the name Jang Geun Suk?. I bet most asians have especially the ones residing in Korea. I started loving this guy after watching the movie "DoReMiFaSoLaTiDo" in YouTube then followed by "You're Beautiful" which is a Koreanovela with english subs thats also found in YouTube. That time I was bored and one way to lessen my boredom is to face the monitor and begin surfing the internet or watch YouTube. Do I sound redundant every-time i kept on repeating the word "YouTube"??. Anyway, this guy is way too cute according to my senses and every-time I see his videos its like my nerves are electrified with warm chills that send shivers to my heart then it makes me wanna scream "Jang Geun Suk I Love You". But of-course I wont do that because those people around me might think I'm crazy. I got so hook with his videos and movies that later on I ended up creating a Facebook account for him so that I can accept myself in his account as his girlfriend. So whenever someone opens my Facebook account they will see my status as "in-a-relationship with Jang Geun Suk".

Then there was one time where a korean girl sent me a message in Facebook asking me if his really my boyfriend?..and I was like, is this question for real? I mean look at his face and fame, is it that believable for someone like him to court me and really become my boyfriend?..Gosh, in my illusion its so real, no doubt he is my lover..haha, but seriously I mean his so cute and famous that thinking of him noticing me is like a pebble on the ground trying to reach big dipper above the sky. I was only bluffing when I posted on my account his my Boyfriend(how I wish thats so true) and that made one of his fans confused about his real status?? Wow, maybe we really do look good together..haha. By the way, have I mentioned here that that korean girl also added him on her account thinking its really him opening that account? Oh,come on, his a singer actor of-course many fans will make facebook accounts for him so technically if you wanted to add him you will find yourself adding someone else whom you assume to be him.. Or maybe I just really look good with him thats why posting that his my boyfriend in facebook is almost believable...

"I love you, Jang Geun Suk" ^_^ ...............in korean "Saranghe, Jang Geun Suk Oppa" ^_^

A Nonsense unable to call it "Love Story"... ( Just practicing my English proficiency )

If I am to write a Story it would be something like this....TITLE: The Black Cat
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On a bright sunny day, a man walks on the pavement thinking how wonderful the sun shines above the sky. He keeps on looking at the sky, maybe his practicing how blind men walks because his no longer looking at the pavement. Then suddenly he faltered and bumps into the girl walking infront of him. The girl scream thinking theres a maniac behind her faking his movements so it would look like he faltered towards her accidentally. The man explained that it was really an accident and apologizes to her but since the girl is stubborn, she didn't accept his apology instead gave him a condition. If his going to treat her lunch then shes going to forgive him. And so the man took her to lunch so he would be forgiven. On there way to the restaurant a BLACK CAT walk pass them, then the girl stopped walking and exclaimed that they shouldn't continue because thats bad luck. Then the man explain to her that what she's thinking is just an unrealistic superstitious belief. So the girl believe him and they continue walking together heading for the restaurant nearby. When they're already inside the restaurant. The man gave her the menu so she can order, then after she ordered her meal she gave the menu back to the man but the man didn't order anything, instead he gave the menu back to the waiter. When the girl ask why he didn't order anything he just answered "I'm on diet". So the girl ate alone, when the girl is almost finish eating the man took a piece of candy from his pocket and put it in his mouth. When the waiter came back to the table and gave the man her bill. His eyes open wide and start coughing and choking until his head fell on the table and lost consciousness. The waiter panic and call for an ambulance. When the ambulance arrived and the doctor touch the mans pulse, he then declared that his no longer alive. The girl cry and cry on the table, so the doctor came closer to her and ask her why? she then answered "who will pay the bill now that his already dead?.. then the doctor answered in a calm and soothing voice "now that his soul rest in peace, ofcourse who else my child,but You?!"....the girl cried more while yelling "why??" repeatedly to the doctor and at the same time she throw punches to his chest, and since his asthmatic, his asthma was triggered and he is having trouble breathing until he loses consciousness .. the girl was shock after she witness the doctors suffering infront of her and she never return to her normal state again.. so again, the waiter called an institution and this time its a Mental hospital to pick up a new patient to be added on their list....and since no one paid for her meal, it was deducted on the waiters salary....and since the waiter couldn't take it, he committed suicide inside the kitchen. And the restaurant became hunted after that day. 
THE END
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The fastest way to end a Story is to kill everyone in it so it will end up quickly and there will be no more sequel...is it that Bad???..nah.. i just felt lazy thats why i killed them all...Bwahahaha...devil laugh.. BAD WRITER!!!...haha